Mistakes, as they are generally thought of, are really just missed expectations. When we just accept that things are going to happen as they will, we worry less about mistakes and blame. But the wise man never has to blame another or himself.” “An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. Once I grasped this whole concept, a quote by Epictetus that had long perplexed me started to make sense: We just accept reality rather that what we wish it to be. It also helps us to accept what life throws our way (Amore Fati!). We also recognize that if we can accept who we are, we can be better about accepting others for exactly who they are, which makes it easier to be less annoyed or frustrated with them. We can forgive ourselves when we make mistakes, which lessens our worries about future mistakes. The best part about self acceptance is that once we have just accepted who we are, it's a lot easier to be kind to ourselves. We are just accepting reality - that everything about us, both the things we like and those we don't, are who we are.

When we accept ourselves for exactly who we are, we are not saying that we are perfect. So one of the best gifts that we can give to ourselves is to accept ourselves for exactly who we are. I know that most people trying to buoy themselves up with the things they like about themselves, but I found that what people want even more than that is to be accepted for exactly who they are.

If I can accept these 'bad' things in my friends, why can't I accept them in myself? From that point on I worked a lot on self acceptance and learning to be kind to myself, even with all these things that I don't like. In fact, these were all things that my friends struggle with and I still love and accept them.Īnd that's when it clicked for me. Then, as I looked over the list, I realized that nothing on that list was really all that bad. I wrote down all the things that I didn't like about myself. The next day, I decided I should figure out what was really so awful about myself that I felt like I was unworthy as a human. I just felt like I was not a good person. I tried to come up with something on the spot, but nothing came to mind. They asked me what was so awful about myself that they would end our friendship. The big breakthrough for me came after an argument with someone very close to me where I admitted I was afraid that if they knew who I really was, they would not longer like me. I still fall into that cycle from time to time, and it's always a challenge to get myself out. This is where I've spent a good portion of my life until a few months ago. Then you beat yourself up and ask why can't you just be smart enough/good enough/virtuous enough to figure this out? You're either stuck in the past worrying about the things you messed up, or stuck in the future worrying about how you will mess things up. Then you worry about the fact that you'll probably fail again. You fail, then you worry about that failure. This can easily lead to a vicious self-reinforcing cycle of shame that is hard to break. Lots of ways that you think you should be or how you should feel, and every time you fail to meet these expectations, you make yourself even more miserable. I noticed there are a lot of expectations that you heap on yourself. There is a lot to unpack in your post, but I think that starting by unpacking who you think you 'should' be vs. I'm going to make some observations which include assumptions based on my own experience, so please forgive me if I'm off base, but I hope that what I share can be helpful. It is exhausting and stressful on yourself and those around you. I think the worst part is that you grow up with a hyper vigilance for anything dangerous that makes you see threats in things that aren't. Working through trauma is not an easy thing to do, but kudos to you for doing your best to know yourself and understand your issues.

Stoic coffee break